Never Understood

Here i sit

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 05:02:52 GMT

My mind races, i want to let go, yet i hang on. i want to scream at the top of my lungs yet, i stay mute. I want to feel joy and happieness yet i feel pain and sorrow. this is self inflicked. i say i have no control, but that is a lie. How long does this go on for. how long do i torture myself. i have to stand up and walk away. with my head up high. it will never be the same.

Letting go

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 19:30:27 GMT

He says he is leaving.
He says he has to do this for HIMSELF.
He says he isn't happy.
He says that he needs to have more freedom, he doesn't want to have to always be home at a designated time.
He says he doesn't want kids and now he has them.
He says "but i still don't want to loose you, i do love you". (what the FUCK does that mean)
He says he is still with me because he hopes that i will change and be a nicer person.
He says "no wonder your mom and dad were mean to you.
He says i bitch a lot.
I hate it.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate feeling like a failure.
I hate feeling like i have acutally done something wrong.
I Pay for almost everything, I think i deserve some time.
That's all i have asked for.
I guess it was to much to ask.

The stitches are out.

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 14:38:02 GMT

I took the stitches out of her head. she did very good. held still but cried most of the time. she is a trooper.

First stitches.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 18:27:59 GMT

My baby Girl got her first set of stitches on saturday. she did so good. She was so brave. and of course she was just adorable

Happy Birthday MOM

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 19:19:22 GMT

I miss my mom so much.
She died almost 3 years ago.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
she died alone.
she went through it all alone.
i feel so bad.
i wish she was here so i could hug her.
i wish i could have done more for her when she was going through all the pain.
i just can't believe that it is real, that she is really gone.
i can't just pick up the phone and just say hi mom i love you, and that makes me mad.
I went to the cemetary not so long ago.
i couldn't even find her grave.
i looked everywhere but still could not find her.
I cried.

The tender age of 2

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:12:35 GMT

being 2 must be really hard, talk about emotional.... it's like a really really fast roller coaster. up and down in seconds. and to think someday she will look back on other 2 year olds and think " life was so hard then. knowing that it wasn't hard at all. but being in the brain of a 2 year old must be scary.. not really knowing, being totally dependent on others. being told no all the time.... that i am sure really sux.

Have you ever been Pee'd on?

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 17:13:19 GMT

Please someone just pee on me. i love nothing more than to sit here and be pissed on by others. how is it that we/I let others and thier actions bother me so much. i try to breath through it and rationalize things but it doesn't work. (maybe for a day) but that is it.